Hey Hey I Wanna be a Rockstar!

Ever noticed the transformation of an ugly person into something quite beautiful if they can sing?

What I would give to be able to sing. Obviously, like all tone-deaf people, I think I can sing. And 5 year old loves a singalong with mummy but even through the haze of motherly love I know she inherited my voice. 2 year old shushes us every time we so much as start humming so maybe he’ll be a better singer or the next Simon Cowell? But oh how I would love to be tuneful and immediately attractive regardless of weight, attire or complete disregard for personal hygiene. Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if all we had to do was a rendition of ‘I Will Always Love You’ to make friends and influence people.

I have developed quite an affection for Robin Thicke of late. Not bad to look at by any means in normal life but to be honest, not really up my street on an average day.
However, standing against the wall with a number of semi-naked women prancing round him while he stares on in the most chauvinistic, derogatory way that I have witnessed since Freddie Starr was allowed on TV has become quite appealing.
The video is degrading without a doubt and I’m no feminist but even hubby got bored halfway through and that never happens when boob is on show! I’m talking ofcourse about the uncut version – the one I had to wait till the kids had gone to bed before I said to significant other “Have you seen this? They’re all bloody starkers!” (Testament that I’m getting old and prudish and should stick to Radio 2 and knitting.)
But despite all this that man becomes incredibly attractive when the music starts.

Now like I said, he’s not exactly hideous when not singing so maybe a better example would be my favourite X-Factor winner to date – James Arthur. Incredibly talented, can’t wait for his album, a worthy winner indeed. But if there was ever a solid case for supplying paper bags to people in order to not offend the eyes of an average looking population then he is front and centre. Now I know there is an element of professional help involved with this particular young man. A well fitted suit, decent haircut and the removal of what are now trendy glasses but I will always see as ‘crappy NHS’ frames, can take someone a certain distance but it cannot actually erase someone’s face. But my goodness, isn’t he just a chameleon and a half because when he starts growling his way through ‘Impossible’ I see him completely differently. To the point that if I really had to… Yeah, I would!

So many singers over the years have been revered by men and women alike for the person they are on our stages and screens but let’s be honest – there are so very many of them that you would cross the street to avoid if they stopped singing.

Rob Thomas sang with Carlos Santana some years ago – ‘Smooth’, one of my favourites. Now there is a man that actually became even less attractive while he was singing – the faces he pulled were so similar to both the squigglers as babies when filling their nappies that I can only assume he was in deep pain through the entire video. And purely because he was singing (to me, obviously) I wanted to get on a plane and chase that man around the world!

And here’s one that will firmly cement your image of me as a sicko – Richard O’Brien. You know him – bald, hyperactive host of the Crystal Maze in the early 90’s. Yep, that’s the one. Yes, I do mean him. Cult film fans will remember him fondly from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Now a quick explanation of my history with this film. I was 12 years old, on holiday at a woodland resort in Sherwood Forest. I was allowed to stay up late. Mum and dad were doing whatever my mum and dad used to do at night (certainly not that thank you very much!) and I took ownership of the TV remote. Flicking through all 4 channels repeatedly I stopped aghast at the sight of what I thought at the time was an ugly woman in a basque. (I later realised this was infact Tim Curry but not until I saw him in another film and told my dad he looks just like the woman from Rocky Horror. That was a lesson in the modern wonders of gender I wouldn’t soon forget!) Now if I had not missed the start I would never have watched it but as it was I tuned in just as they started… doing the time warp! Awesome! And so began my odd, pre-teen love affair with what is still one of the weirdest films I have ever seen.

Back to Richard O’Brien. When I was MUCH older – well into my 20’s infact – my mum got me Rocky Horror on DVD. Now I hadn’t watched it for years, not surprisingly its not shown very often on tele these days. So I was quite excited to see it again given that I was fairly sure I still knew all the words and dance moves! And there it was. Near the end. Richard O’Brien has taken control and is telling Tim Curry in no uncertain terms that they will return to Transylvania through the medium of song. He really belts out one line and for just one second he becomes scarily attractive.

Don’t judge me.

But I’m sure we’ve all got our own ‘singing pretty’ list. Maybe not as ‘diverse’ as mine but what kind of world would we live in if everyone thought Richard O’Brien had potential?


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